beauty from ashes–joy from my mourning–praise for a spirit of heaviness
Sorry about being so “MIA” as they say, as I feel like I’m strangers with the previous posts I’ve written, because these days, life seems quite the contrary. There’s just something about getting words written out, especially when you know that someone out there would spend a few minutes of their life reading about someone else’s day, you know? I also love to journal, but I guess that’s the reason why I decided to write a new post on here instead…
I am at a library at a university, because I feel like I can actually focus here. It’s like where I can actually get things done as opposed to my living corridors (I just wanted to use that word). This library and all the university atmosphere (students playing games in the school cafe, walking around in their sports attire, and I could ramble on and on) but my point is that I’m so nostalgic to those few years I went to a “real” university… Why is it that there is always this longing for the past? The things that I cannot have? I know that there’s a purpose to the season I’m in, and that life isn’t about what I want, because in the end, did I really want that?
There are so many things I know in my head that have still not been understood in my heart because I have not walked those out yet… There’s a constant tug of war going on in my mind; it’s so true that our mind is a battlefield, because when victory is won in there, then it’s most likely going to be walked out.
Sin is a terrible thing. At the moment sin seems so gentle, harmless, something that will ease the pain of the moment, but all of that = deception. Yet, knowing this, why do I still do what I don’t want to do and not do what I should do? Selfishness. Just like the tug of war in my mind, it’s this ongoing self vs. selfless battle which every decision rests upon it seems like. When just for a moment I take God out of the picture and place myself on the throne, I make the most foolish decisions that cause me to spiral down the path that I never wanted to take, which is probably why God wanted His rightful place, at the center, Him on the throne in our lives… He doesn’t rule like a dictator who only cares about Himself, but He desires to be there because He doesn’t want us to get hurt, and in turn hurt the people around us.
I understand why God kept saying “remember,” “do this in remembrance,” “don’t forget”… because I forget so easily and so often! One would think I’d learned my lessons by now, especially because of the kind of circumstances I’m in and what I have experienced, but I am realizing that I cannot place my trust in anything, or anyone, even my expected or present “maturity” because I am still the child that needs the discipline of a loving Father.
Deep, deep down in my heart I know that I love Him. Yes, that love may be weak, and immature, perhaps a broken seed. Every time I do something that I know will hurt Him, I tell myself, “how can you do that and say that you love?” Since love isn’t just feelings, passing emotions and highs, words and show. Perhaps I’m still hanging onto the hope that God will do something with that broken seed, that He is bigger than my failures and inadequacies and can produce something I would have never imagined, not because I deserve it, but because He is gracious and because He is God.
I just wanted to write this post because every time I’m not in sync with God, everything in my life malfunctions. Yes, it still goes on, like I go to work (though I confess I’ve missed so many classes this week–some of them valid reasons, some not) and everything else that life entails, but it’s just not the same. Joy is depleted and peace is replaced by a sorrow and dampness that I know is not from God. I understand why there are so many that are depressed, lonely, and seeking for love in this world. Without Him, it’s so easy to let other things and people take the place only God can have and then end up even more hurt and lonely than comforted and loved. It’s so true that we were made to love and to be loved. First loved by God, then loving Him and those He has placed amidst our lives. I find that without God’s love, it’s so darn hard to love others. Even if I cannot love myself I cannot love others.
I guess there was a reason why God said that I am to deny myself. It’s not to deprive me of the so called good things of this world, but because in dying to myself I find myself. Not new news, right? Well, maybe to some.. But just saying this mainly to remind myself the significance of living with gentleness in spirit, having a calm temperament so that I can think clearly, and not to live in the extreme zones but to daily do well in what has been apportioned for me. This is definitely easier said than done. Especially because I tend to be that kind of passionate person who tends to linger in the extremes and sometimes way too emotional for my good. I know that I can’t do this on my own strength, but perhaps this post was to remind me to return to, repent, and acknowledge again my need for a Father who mends, heals, restores, and is the one who can produce a beautiful oak tree even from a shriveled up seed so that birds can perch on it and people can rest in its shade and eat of its fruit.
“…and provide for those who grieve in Zion–to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”
(Isaiah 61:3)
Wow! So as I looked up this verse and was writing it out, I realized that Isaiah had also used the image of an “oak” tree in this passage! I didn’t even know as I used the same imagery in my post.. so interesting how things like that happen. (:
Where the light shines 